Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
