He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I intend to get homeless drunk
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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