someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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