I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
