How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
babies were throwing up all over the place
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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