Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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