It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
