Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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