I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
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