nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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