I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
