just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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