Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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