Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
oh god was she eating orange peels again
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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