I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
