remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
