Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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