please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
