how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
