my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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