theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Randomize
