maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
