I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
