My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
