i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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