the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize