just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
tell me about the eggs
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
