My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize