Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
