Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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