At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
