I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
