saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
