so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
