I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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