If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize