How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
