Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
