Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
please come you make the beer taste better
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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