Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
