did you get engaged???
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
