It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
