is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
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