i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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