yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
