weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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