Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
