I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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