Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
