I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
