So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
