My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
