I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ ðŸ‘ðŸ¼
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
