3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
