I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
