if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
