so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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