I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
