My liver just broke up with me...
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
