cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize