the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
