Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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