Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize