At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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