Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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