I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
