Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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