I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
