Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
