Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize