Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
