Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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