i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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