Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
