I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
