We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I will pee on everything he values.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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