tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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